Cadet Moon's midnight delight.

Last night around midnight I finally broke out a spork (a real spork, not the version Robin claims as a spork) and dug into my chocolate parfait. I was excited and skeptical all at the same time. What if it wasn’t as good as I remembered?

The first bite was a little hesitant, but once I tasted the whipped cream, chocolate pudding and flaky crust I was flooded with memories of my childhood. There’s a trick to eating them though, you have to get a taste of each layer in every bite. I’m happy to say they are as good as I remember and unfortunately there is a KFC on my way home from work.

I give it two weeks before they know my name.

This is arguably the definitive gangster/mob movie, directed by Brian De Palma, with Kevin Costner, Sean Connery, Andy Garcia and Robert De Niro. Ennio Morricone’s soundtrack is of the highest quality. And even if you’ve seen it before, it’s worth seeing it again in the theater.

Location was set at RTEF World Headquarters in Sierra Madre, CA at the spiritual home of our organization, codenamed “89 East”. Matriarch Susan, as ever, expertly played the role of hostess, and promised steak and veggie fajitas, along with her award-winning chocolate cake with buttercream frosting. No surprise, RSVPs came in hot and heavy once word leaked out that she was making “the cake”, and attendance was stout. Directors Silva, Blakeslee, Jarchow, Silva and Franz headed up a cadre of cadets: Moon, Foley, Feghali and Carney. Former backcountry legend and scourge of clean water sources everywhere, “Mighty Whitey” also made a guest appearance.

The four trip attendees ate and ate and ate as if they hadn’t eaten in a week. Others consumed more appropriate and polite quantities. Directors Blakeslee and Franz then presented their trip photos, with Blakeslee showing his images to the soothing music of “Legends of the Fall.” That soundtrack reminds him of Tom Brady, you know. To close it out, Cadet Moon unveiled a century of her own images, which garnered high praise and further distinguished the cadet’s overall credentials.

The evening closed with many promises of future expeditions and backcountry victories. Everyone would have left at a respectful hour, except the ever-forgetful Cadet Feghali managed to lose her car keys. A frantic search ensued, and no surprise she has AAA on her cell phone speed dial. Fortunately, said keys were discovered on the couch (a likely place for Michelle to lose something), and the evening was adjourned.

(RTEF Director Dispatch: High Priority)

Today, the esteemed yet highly controversial Red Tomahawk Expeditionary Force unveiled their plans for the group’s 2011 Sierra adventure. Similar to the mob that gathers outside the Vatican prior to the selection of a new pope, so do RTEF cadets and other assorted hopefuls assemble outside the group’s San Gabriel Mountain retreat in eager anticipation of the announcement.

The RTEF has revealed that the South Lake – North Lake Loop, which traverses three epic passes and through one of the gold standards of the Sierra backcountry, shall be the featured expedition for 2011 (August 20-27).

On the Saturday morning of August 20th, the RTEF shall depart South Lake and make a straight shot for Bishop Pass (elev. 11,972). From there, we shall enter Kings Canyon National Park and descend into Dusy Basin and down towards Le Conte Canyon. We join up with the John Muir and Pacific Crest Trails, conquer the diabolical Black Divide, celebrate with a swim at Helen Lake, and then muster our energy as we cross over Muir Pass (elev. 11,955).

Having crested the pass, we plunge into the heart of the trip, the exquisite beauty of Evolution Valley, known for its sensational backcountry lakes and towering mass of 13,000+ foot peaks.

This 15 mile stretch of Sierra grandeur features a slightly declining trail; we’ll experience the many lakes and peaks of Evolution Basin before reaching Evolution Lake and the valley itself. High country meadows and creeks shall be our constant companions as we reach the south fork of the San Joaquin River. We shall travel riverside for three miles before making a turn at Pavilion Dome, where we’ll head northeast and up through Piute Canyon and along the edge of Piute Creek.

This shall bring us into the homestretch of the expedition, as we arrive into Humphreys Basin, camp at the familiar Golden Trout Lakes, then stare defiantly into the face of Mt. Humphreys as we summit Piute Pass (elev. 11,423) and avenge the defeat of 2010′s Summer Solstice Expedition! A swim at Loch Leven punctuates our final few miles before reaching trip’s end at North Lake.

This is a 57 mile expedition, currently planned for a leisurely pace of 7 nights/8 days. We shall complete our sojourn on Saturday, August 27, with the option to stretch it an extra day into the 28th.

The RTEF calls upon you to join our ranks as we celebrate the majesty of the Sierra Nevada during the unquestionable peak of the season. And remember: this is a story you will tell your grandchildren….. and mightily bored they’ll be.

It’s not so different than the countries bidding to host the Olympics or the World Cup; each year, national park agencies from around the country send in their bids to the RTEF Board of Directors, attempting to attract the esteemed expeditionary force to a particular corner of the wilderness. Eerily similar to World Cup bidding, the kick-backs, bribes and corruption run rampant throughout the process. If ever you’ve wondered how Director Blakeslee’s closet somehow became filled with 25 jackets, 12 backpacks, five tents and six sleeping bags, the mystery is over.

This year, the RTEF shall travel to Kings Canyon National Park for an extended four day sojourn from June 16-19, 2011. Our forces shall gather at Road’s End and, after embarking from the trailhead in an easterly direction, shall turn suddenlike to the left, and go north toward what shall be the raging Mist Falls. In fact, much of the early miles of this hike will flank the south forth above Bubbs Creek, and we fully expect the run-off to unmercifully thunder down the canyons.

Once clear of the tight granite halls, we shall emerge into the tranquility of Paradise Valley, where quiet streams meander through high mountain meadows. North, north we shall go, towards the upper end of the valley and likely beyond.

Given that we’ll be remaining below 10,000 feet the entire trip, expect toasty campfires and RTEF Tasty S’mores® every night. Only reluctantly shall we be forced from the wilderness and uncermemoniously returned to the drudgery of city life.

Tentative departure from aforementioned dismal city is scheduled for Wednesday evening, June 16. We shall likely hole up in the glamorous village of Fresno for the night, and then punch our way into the park and to Road’s End on Thursday morning. If the gods are with us, we’ll return home late Sunday, the 19th.

Our permit reservation has been submitted, the Board is gathering gear, invites to the backcountry elite have been sent. Will you join us, or does the safety of the Excuse Bag forever remain within reach?

To access this trail report, either choose “Expedition Archive – 2010 – Piute Pass” from the drop down menus above, or simply click here.

“What’s wrong?” you demand, a hint of alarm in your voice. “Is there a problem?”

“Nothing,” your companions deadpan in unison. “Nothing at all.”

But, of course there is. And like a lightning bolt sent from Muir himself, it hits you.

You’ve done the rental thing. You’ve done the “I’ll just borrow a pack from my girl friend who’s eight inches shorter than me, or my guy friend who’s eight inches taller.” But those days are over, gentle mountain hiker/RTEF hopeful. Respectability and self-esteem are just one purchase away.

There are many advantages to owning your own backpack, of course. The obvious one is… it fits you. It should fit you perfectly, in fact. Your body shape is unique, and finding the right pack that slots in nicely over your butt and against your spine is a mission not undertaken lightly.

Another advantage is, you get to practice packing! Yes, it’s true, the art of stuffing and cramming your gear into a pack takes years to perfect, and it’s clear that you, yes you, need the practice. Owning your own backpack allows you to take a few minutes each day to fiddle, fuss, re-arrange, and re-organize your gear to zen-like levels of perfection. No more pots and pans clanking on the outside, no more pillows sticking out the top like an eleven-year-old running away from home. Practice while the kids are brushing their teeth, while your husband is watching basketball, or during book club. Practice, practice, practice.

“But packs are expennnnnnsive!!!!” I can hear you whining already. Well, look at this way. Just for one month, cut back on hair and nail products, beer and wine, and your children’s doctors appointments, and you’ll have more than enough coinage to get your very own load-hauling beast.

So, delay no longer. Get out there and research. Talk to your friends, get their advice, let them help you spend your money. The road to retribution begins today.

This RTEF Special Report is brought to you by Gregory, Osprey, and Arc’teryx.